RELATIONSHIPS: Factors that lead to divorce

Top Ten Contributing Factors That Lead to Divorce…

1. Growing Apart
2. Unable to talk together
3. How spouse handles money
4. Spouse’s personal problems
5. Not enough attention
6. Infidelity
7. Spouse’s personal habits
8. Sexual problems
9. Taste/preference differences
10. Alcohol/Other drugs

*William Doherty, University of Minnesota, 2009-2010 via USA Today 9/29/11


Relationships are a high skilled endeavor. If yours if failing it is possible that one or both of you do not have the adequate skills. Perhaps it is time for some coaching to help one another take a fresh look at yourselves and how to be a better partner to each other.

In my experience in coaching couples I share what I believe are three important words that lay the foundation for any relationship: Commitment (not giving up at the first or second hurdle, doing what is right NOT what is easy!) Communication (it’s just not for 911 operators! Two monologues do not equal a dialogue. Understanding your upbringing AND your partners needs is paramount.) Compromise. (Probably taking lessons for our elected officials isn’t a good idea! It is about trying to meet in the middle, making space for each person to sacrifice AND allowing each person to share in victory.) The top 5 reasons for contributing factors to divorce could be avoided or reduced significantly if the couples would have had the skill set that includes a good use/practice of the 3-C’s.

According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri the divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Another source, The Enrichment Journal, sites that the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%, for second marriage is 60%, and for third marriage is 73%.

Perhaps viewing it in these terms my allow us to think differently about this topic. On an average, it seems that around 54.5% of marriages are working well the first time! The second time around, 36.5% of the couples are making it work. And the when there is a third marriage we know that about 26.5% of the couples are making a go of it.

There are self help books, too many to mention. There are many mental health therapist’s, some do great work. There are many support groups which help many people. I support coaching vs. counseling on this issue. Coaching does not spend too much time dwelling on the past and old wounds. It is about the here and now, the today and tomorrow. It is about taking two people in a relationship, giving them permission to be venerable and learn, and grow and…!



Chaplain Royal Bush is an Interfaith Chaplain serving all without exception in Nebraska and Iowa. He provides both nondenominational and nonreligious care & services. He conducts Weddings, Funeral, Blessings and premarital/couples coaching. For help or more information please email us at info@inclusivelife.org OR phone us at 402-575-7006.

Kindness

Unexpected gestures of kindness

Random acts of kindness

Intentional displays of kindness…

The Dalai Lama taught us to “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”  Perhaps sometimes easier said than done, but true despite any baggage “we” bring with it.

I caught an old Opera clip where she was talking about being upset with others.  She had been at odds with someone whom she observed out in public laughing, living, and loving life!  Opera was like “how dare she be happy when I AM not happy with her…”

Judging?  Grudges…  Wisdom!  Those three words may clash a little, but my point is this.  We all judge one another, it may not be in public or out loud but we do judge one another.  At one time or another we all have held a grudge, if even for an extra moment.  Then there is that wisdom that normally kicks in…

We know when we are not on our best behavior.  We know when we said, wrote or acted in an inappropriate manner (despite it feeling good at the time!)

Let us all take a moment and remember that we get out of life what we put into it.  We can be the change that we seek in this world; one act of conscious, intentional kindness. 

Grand Island Wedding

Congratulations Josh and Katie!  Married this summer at the Moonlight Ridge Vineyard in Grand Island, NE.  It was a beautiful day, slight breeze, good sunshine and not too hot.  So many family members and friends attended, it was a joyous day.

I talked on the phone and via email with Josh before meeting Katie.  I finally meet Katie at a Wedding Show at the DC Centre in Omaha.  The three of us met and shared stories about growing up, life and where they are at now.  It was awesome to have their parents, their grandparents and even great grandparents there.  A very warm, close and loving family.

They sent a card with photos enclosed and wrote "Chaplain Royal, What a wonderful day we had-Glad you were a part." Katie & Josh.

I reminded them of the 3-C's (Commitment, Communication and Compromise) and that will get them through just about anything.  They have such heart and soul, a most beautiful couple.

Whats love got to do with it?

Everything!  Love is the wish for all beings to experience happiness.  It is not just romantic love or love for our family and friends.  When people are happy, their hearts open and they respond more lovingly to others.  The love that wishes happiness for others also creates the environment for the happiness that you will experience in the future.   Live, Laugh, Dance, LOVE

Chaplain Royal at Inclusive Life offers both nondenominational and nonreligious care & services to all without exception.  We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We offer: Wedding Officiants, Premarital and Couples Coaching, Pastoral Care and Funeral Ministers to those in Iowa and Nebraska.  (402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     Nebraska & Iowa

Inclusive Life

I have had some emails and people asking me what Inclusive life is.  Is it a church?  Are you connected with a church?  All very good questions.

A few years ago while serving as Minister of Hospitality for a local church I began paying attention to who attended worship.  Yes there were some who were “hard core” didn’t miss a Sunday, there were some who were there most Sundays and then there were many who we would see now and then OR come a few times and not come back.

I started doing some research and found that, depending on where you live; up to 70% of the population is not attending worship/church on a regular basis.  Many years ago church was the corner stone in most families lives, social settings for the community and home of many grass roots programs.

At the same time I was in the midst of a change in my life, I realized my calling to ministry work, but didn’t just quite know what I was to be doing.  I could give a message, I loved helping celebrate worship, in the end I realized I loved Pastoral Care. 

My research continued.  Where do individuals, couples and families turn to when they need “pastoral care” and they don’t attend church?  Surely someone in their family will want to get married.  I know that at some point a funeral will need to be planned.  And somewhere in the middle someone may need some coaching or pastoral care.  If they have not been to church or even have attended church who can they depend on to provide care and services as if they had been lifelong members?  Inclusive Life!

Inclusive Life, the name was thought of carefully.  It implies exactly what we think about who we serve… “All without exception!”  In the last two years we have married same sex couples, those seeking earth/native spirituality ceremonies, secular (non-religious) ceremonies, Christian ceremonies, interfaith ceremonies and many others.  We are able to provide a level of service and care that is often unmatched by other local officiants (some of which are ordained online and have little or no training.)  We offer premarital coaching and couples coaching.  Being a part of planning a loved-ones funeral is a most sacred task.  Asking the appropriate questions allows the family to begin the healing process and for us to understand how we can honorably cerebrate their loved-one’s life.

Inclusive Life is incorporated in Nebraska as a Non-Profit Church.  We are non-denominational and are not affiliated with any other church or denomination.  We rely on donations, the fees received for weddings, funerals and coaching services to provide care and services to those without income.

Inclusive Life is served by two Chaplains: Chaplain Royal Bush and Chaplain Beth Loofe.

Omaha Wedding

Congratulations Jim and Abbey.  Chaplain Royal had the pleasure and honor to be a part of their day.  Chaplain Royal said "It was obvious from day one that this was going to be a most special day, the spirit, love and life that these two shared was incredible!"


The wedding ceremony was held at Omaha's (Elkhorn) Indian Creek, a most beautiful setting with great accommodations.  (Note: the staff really was well prepared and handles many details probably not thought of by many other venues.) 


Abbey and Jim shared "The ceremony went just the way we wanted.  I was especially glad we got to spend some time with you prior to the ceremony.  I felt like when you were reading the vows you knew what they meant to us.  We felt like we were being married by a friend because you had spent so much time with us.  Quite a few people came up and commented on how great our officiant was!!"


Helping each couple focus on planning a ceremony that reflect who they are, where they have been and the love they share for each other is what we are here to do.  Inclusive Life has been serving Iowa and Nebraska for over two years, how can we help you? 
402-575-7006 info@inclusivelife.org 

Happiness

Happiness.  Some get it, some don’t.  Some live it, some don’t.  When we recognize happiness as a conscious choice, we can begin to turn happiness into a unconscious habit and, eventually an ingrained attitude.  I choose Happiness because I can be the change that I seek in this world and in my own life.

Chaplain Royal at Inclusive Life offers both nondenominational and nonreligious care & services to all without exception.  We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We offer: Wedding Officiants, Premarital and Couples Coaching, Pastoral Care and Funeral Ministers to those in Iowa and Nebraska.  (402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     Nebraska & Iowa

Recipe's

A great recipe for happiness is thank, forgive and consciously love yourself, your partner and everyone else… for being themselves.  A great recipe for a good relationship is the 3 C’s… Communicate.  Compromise.  Commitment.  And perhaps remember that both recipes are best served with a side dish of remembering,  you may not get what you want when you want it but you will get what you need when you need it!

Chaplain Royal at Inclusive Life offers both nondenominational and nonreligious care & services to all without exception.  We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We offer: Wedding Officiants, Premarital and Couples Coaching, Pastoral Care and Funeral Ministers to those in Iowa and Nebraska.  (402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     Nebraska & Iowa

Teachers

I viewed a quote in a different light this week.  People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  I have had, continue to have and will always be surrounded by some incredible people.  I am blessed to have had some incredible teachers.  Thank you!  What are some great lessons you have been taught by your teachers in life…

Chaplain Royal at Inclusive Life offers both nondenominational and nonreligious care & services to all without exception.  We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We offer: Wedding Officiants, Premarital and Couples Coaching, Pastoral Care and Funeral Ministers to those in Iowa and Nebraska.  (402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     Nebraska & Iowa

Symbol

Wedding Rings, Cross’s, Candle Light, and others can symbolize spirituality and perhaps faith.  What other symbols are meaningful to you?  Is there a symbol or item that you keep with you or at work or in your car that symbolizes something meaningful?

St. Augustine described the nature of God as circle whose center was everywhere and its circumference nowhere.  Wedding rings are described as a never ending band of love, life, light, power and respect.  Rings are like the sun, the moon and like two arms that embrace.  Candle light has always been such a inspirational symbol for so many… to help you see, to help you feel, to help  you know…

What other symbolize are in your life that are meaningful to you?  Could it be a nail, a specific golf ball, a rock, or a…

Chaplain Royal at Inclusive Life offers both nondenominational and nonreligious care & services to all without exception.  We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We offer: Wedding Officiants, Premarital and Couples Coaching, Pastoral Care and Funeral Ministers to those in Iowa and Nebraska.  (402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     Nebraska & Iowa

Hours

How many hours have you lived?  Are the hours you have lived quantity of hours or hours of quality?  We are born, we grow, we earn, we live through many paths: relationships, friendships, health, education, work, and…  At the end of the day what matters most in your life?

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s, Premarital  Couples Coaching, Funeral Minister, Pastoral Care.  (402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     Nebraska & Iowa

Reminder

You may not get what you want when you want it.

You will get what you need when you need it

Mom

Eric Fromm writes “Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved.”  I know that as I get older my mother seems to get smarter…  all her stories, beliefs and direction she gave me.  Probably the greatest gift she could ever pass to me was the gift of love.  Reach out to your mother today and those who play those roles for us.  Extend a word, a smile or a hug.

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s, Premarital  Couples Coaching, Funeral Minister, Pastoral Care.  (402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     Nebraska & Iowa

Congratulations!

This past weekend I had the pleasure and honor conducting the wedding for George and Linzey.  Their ceremony was held at the beautiful Greek Orthodox Church in Omaha.  

Body & Car

My body is much like my car.  If there is no fuel, it doesn’t move.  If it is not hydrated, it doesn’t move.  And if the life blood of the car is not kept filtered and fresh, it will stop moving.  I need food, water and my spiritual connection to what I hold to be true and sacred to keep my mind, body and spirit centered.

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s-Premarital & Couples Coaching-Funeral Ministers-Pastoral Care.

(402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     

Today

EMERGENCY MESSAGE FROM THIS BROADCAST STATION: There are not enough bridges in this world and in your life, and too many walls.  Now is the time to live, now is the time to engage, now is the time to get through those items for tomorrow.  You ARE beautiful, you ARE loved, and you ARE worthy!

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s-Premarital & Couples Coaching-Funeral Ministers-Pastoral Care.

(402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     

Change

All it takes is one of us to push that first domino to begin the chain reaction that leads to change…  It could be you holding a door for someone that has their hands full or simply saying good morning to someone or helping someone carry something.  All acts of kindness that may result in another person paying “it” forward.  We can be the change in the world we seek!

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s-Premarital & Couples Coaching-Funeral Ministers-Pastoral Care.

(402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     

Kindness

Why should I…help others, feed others or even vote.  I am only one person and the actions of one do not make a difference.  

Why vote in any election my votes does not matter.  In the United States you are allowed to vote, what a wonderful RESPONSIBILITY!  Your vote does matter, it is needed and you have a responsibility to make YOUR voice heard.  Know the issues, know the candidates and be an informed voter.  

You can feed a person for a day with one fish.  Teach them to fish and you can feed them and others for a lifetime!  You CAN make a difference by helping others with your time (teaching), your talents (sharing your passions) or your treasure (donations.)  Paying it forward does make a difference and what goes around DOES come around!  

Once YOU acknowledge that YOUR acts of kindness (both received and given by you) you then can no longer believe that what you do does not matter.  You can make a difference your life and the lives of others!   

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s-Premarital & Couples Coaching-Funeral Ministers-Pastoral Care.

(402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     

9/11 to me

Today is September, 11^th.  It represents the ten year anniversary of what has lead to many changes in our country, and others.

I woke up that morning, it was my day off.  I was the Executive Housekeeper at the Embassy Suites.  I was talking to a dear friend of mine, Weenonah Bayer.  As we were talking we both happened to turn the news on and was confused.  We hung up trying to get a grip on it.  She has a son that lives near DC, so her focus was on that story.  Then the image that will forever be burned into my memory with little chance of being erased.  With smoke coming out of one of the towers, I watched as the big plane flew right into the other tower. After seeing it a couple of times, it still did not register to me what the hell was going on.  I called Nonah back and asked her.  When we both clued in, we both were hysterical for different reasons.

How did you react?  What did you do?  I wanted to go shoe shopping.  I could not find a store that was opened.  I threw a fit.  Yelling, using foul language, ready to fight someone, something…  I was mad as hell that someone did this to my country.  Even for that moment, New York was mine too!

The word I use today is numb.  I was numb then and I am numb now.  I don’t read books, I don’t watch movies and don’t like photos of that day.  I don’t know if it is too much for me to bare or as long as I don’t have to deal with it, I don’t have to deal with it.

That does mean I have not cried.  That does not mean I have not prayed.  And that does not mean that I have not given thought to those who lost their lives and who gave their lives that day (and the days following.)

I am not sure what our country has learned from this event.  I am saddened to read and listen to the words of others who condemn all Muslims for the events of that day.  I don’t understand how an entire group of people (in varying degrees of their faith) can be held accountable for the action of those who took actions that were not representing Muslims world-wide or ALL Muslims for that matter.

Andrea Raynor has been serving as a Ground Zero Chaplain since 9/11/01.  While working in the morgue for many weeks she received body bag after body bag.  She offered a blessing not knowing what religion the person had practiced.  One day, what was believed to be the remains of the hijackers were found, a worker helped here instead.  She asked “Was this body desecrated in any way when you found it?  Was it spat upon or treated in any disrespectful way?”  And what she was told brought her to tears.  The reply from the worker was “These remains were treated with the same respect as all the other remains.  After all, this is still someone’s son.”

Romans 12:5 tells us “…we are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.”  Reading that story conjured up many emotions, thoughts and visions.  I keep thinking of MLK being shot, JFK being shot, Harvey Milk being shot, and so many others.  I think of the rage of hate that others have when they want to bring harm or demonstrate indifference towards other human beings.  No one is a second class citizen.  We are all from the same universe, when we will start treating each other as equals? 

YES I DID

The wishbone is not a substitute for the backbone.  Coulda, woulda, and shoulda added together-equal nothing.  YOU are the author of your life story.  Not the media.  Not people or groups that say you are not worthy.  Not your past mistakes.  Turn the no you cant’s into YES I DID!

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s-Premarital & Couples Coaching-Funeral Ministers-Pastoral Care.

(402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     

Today

In every nation there is work to be done.  In every community there are wounds to heal. And in every person exists a heart of hearts to accomplish it all.  In the US we have people who can’t afford to pay their cable bill.  In other countries finding food to keep their children alive is a daily struggle.  In some countries finding clean water to drink is the struggle.  We can make a difference.  If we choose to.

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s-Premarital & Couples Coaching-Funeral Ministers-Pastoral Care.

(402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     

Ego's

This society has a great need for gratification, and the culture is says it's possible for everyone to satisfy all their needs and desires all the time which allows for one person at a time to get all of the blame via the clashes of ego’s. I long for a time when we focus on feeding our souls and not our ego’s; when it is easier to build someone up instead of tearing them down. Are you ready?

I’m 43 years old, soon (very soon) to be 44. That extra year may make a difference. I remember times growing up in Bellevue. I recall the interaction that everyone shared with each other. A level of respect, if you will, that I believe for the most part, is absent today.

It goes beyond listening skills, it goes beyond holding doors open, it goes beyond helping do all you can with what you have because it is the right thing to do. It goes beyond what and HOW we are taught as a society by ads, commercials, TV shows, movies, social media, and music. People seem to be mere commodities of disposable proportions, and you don’t have to be a gang member to behave like that.

It seems to me, that in my childhood, and I own that… MORE people realized that they lived in glass houses and so they didn’t throw stones themselves. Today there sure is a lot of finger pointing going on. This person does this, that person said that, this group does this, those people do this… Accepting personal responsibility for your own actions, your own life, your own truth, your own journey would go a long way in making this world a better place.

I can be the change that I seek in this world. If I point one finger at someone else, I will remember that there are three pointing back at me.

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis. Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship? US! We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception. Wedding Officiant’s-Premarital & Couples Coaching-Funeral Ministers-Pastoral Care.

(402) 575-7006 www.inclusivelife.org

Focus

I observed some human interactions this weekend that made me sad; people treating others to the point of breaking them down to tears, some intentional and some perhaps not.  When we communicate we remember only  7% of spoken words, we recall 38% of the tone of voice used and the greatest impression is 55% of body language displayed!  Remember that words can hurt as much as sticks and stones!

It is a good thing to be focused.  And it is a bad thing to be so focused that you lose sight of what you are focused on and that everyone around becomes a blur.  I believe that part of the enlightenment is the experience of the lessons in the journey.  Allowing others to participate (and accepting that they will NOT do it the exact way you would AND may in fact achieve the desired results.  And then maybe they won’t.), helping others grow and learn helps us grow and learn as well.

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s-Premarital & Couples Coaching-Funeral Ministers-Pastoral Care.

(402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     

Happy Sunday

Now that worship has ended let the service begin. What a great way to be mindful of one of the reasons to gather in community; to be reminded that the lessons we should be learning-we should be sharing (and not with just each other on Sunday!) Happy Sunday…

Disposable Items

I have been typing, texting and leaving messages for some friends whom I have not spent time with for some time.  They had not responded to any of the communications AND I kept sending them.  I knew that they were being received and read.   I got an note from them confirming that.  Sometimes our friends and family are in different places in life than we are.  Don’t ever forget, give up or stop loving them.

Razors, plastic bags, diapers, cameras are all examples of disposable items.  People and relationships are not disposable, well, at least they should not be.  How many times has something happened between you and another person and either you or the other person “quit” the relationship?  Regardless if it is a neighbor, family, friends, co-worker, or… 

In the service industry there is a saying that “it takes years to win a customer and only seconds to lose one.”  Unfortunately we are a society that values temporary relationships (get what you need/want, quick gratification, and often place little or no value on long standing commitment, loyalty and value in building and growing with one another. 

Running or quitting will not solve the issue at hand.  It may relieve you have having to “deal” with it AND it will happen again with different people.  You must forge your way through the wall despite how difficult it is.  The reward will be greater than you can ever imagine. 

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s-Premarital & Couples Coaching-Funeral Ministers-Pastoral Care.

(402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org     

The First Time

TS Eliot wrote “We must not cease from exploration; the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.”  Sometimes we can be somewhere over and over and then when we allow ourselves to breathe, see, hear, feel, taste… it IS like exploring it for the very first time.  I can think of moments in my life like that too…  Be Still And Know!

We know that up to 70% of the population in America does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Who can individuals, couples and families turn to when they need care & services traditionally found by a place of worship?  US!  We are Inclusive Life, and we serve all without exception.  Wedding Officiant’s-Premarital & Couples Coaching-Funeral Ministers-Pastoral Care.

(402) 575-7006     www.inclusivelife.org