Accept everything about yourself--I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end--no apologies, no regrets. --Clark Moustakas
How well do you treat yourself? How do you “pay yourself?” Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and/or your family? These questions are being asked in a new area of psychological research called self-compassion (how compassionate people view themselves.) It turns out that many of us find it easy to be supportive and understanding of others and often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating ones self for perceived failures like being overweight or not exercising enough.
Dr. Neff, an associate professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin says “I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.”
The research suggests that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight.
Imagine your reaction to a child struggling in school or eating too much junk food. Many parents would offer support, like tutoring or making an effort to find healthful foods the child will enjoy. But when adults find themselves in a similar situation — struggling at work, or overeating and gaining weight — many fall into a cycle of self-criticism and negativity. That leaves them feeling even less motivated to change.
“Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation,” Dr. Neff said. “The reason you don’t let your children eat five big tubs of ice cream is because you care about them. With self-compassion, if you care about yourself, you do what’s healthy for you rather than what’s harmful to you.”
Dr. Neff, whose book, “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind,” is being published next month by William Morrow, has developed a self-compassion scale: 26 statements meant to determine how often people are kind to themselves, and whether they recognize that ups and downs are simply part of life.
“The problem is that it’s hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime,” she said. “People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.”
You ARE beautiful. You ARE loved. You ARE worthy. JUST the way you are. (And you are NOT alone!)
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