Breaking Up. What do I do now? (1 of 4)

I begin a 4 part series on breaking up today.  Let's face it, it is not a good thing when two people remain together when it just isn't going to work or be "right."  Sure there are many times that with some coaching or therapy, a second chance or a new foundation can be created.  We will explore in this 4 part series what to do when that isn't the case.

WHAT DO I DO NOW? 

This is a question asked often by each person when ending or separating from a relationship, regardless if it was a marriage or a committed relationship.  And it is a good question.  It is healthy to explore, what now.  It has been said that a break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it.  For some this is true.  Perhaps for others a chance at reconciliation is possible through the use of therapy.  

Moving on after a relationship break up is not easy for some. Psychologists say that going through a relationship breakup, is like going through the grieving process. Well if you compare the two, you can see a number of similarities. In both cases, you are losing someone you loved and psychologically, your mind is not willing to let them go. So you can get over a bad break up using similar principles like grieving.  Sometimes you don’t realize how much you care about someone until they don’t care about you.

It needs to be understood that breaking up is a part of life, and also part of relationships. It is okay if this happens!  (Sometimes it is the most healthy and authentic thing that each of you can do!)  Relationships end all the time. If you hadn’t broken up with someone before, you probably wouldn’t have experienced the intense feelings that you felt with the partner you are breaking up with now.

Think as well of the future; you won’t be able to share unique experiences and feelings with a future partner if you don’t get over and move on after the break up.  In order for someone else to “love” you or care for you, YOU yourself has to be in the position to love & care for yourself.  If you are not centered and able to love yourself, or care for yourself, do not expect or allow anyone to try to do that with you or for you!

Chaplain Royal Bush and Chaplain Beth Loofe are Interfaith Chaplains offering nondenominational and nonreligious care and services to all, without exception in Nebraska and Iowa. They conduct Weddings, Premarital Coaching, Couples Coaching,Funerals, End of Life Planning, and Pastoral Care. For more information please email info@inclusivelife.org OR phone 402-575-7006. Omaha Weddings, Omaha Counseling, Omaha Funerals.

Ordination

There is some question about what an “Officiant” really is and or is not.  It is my hope to simply share some light on this question.

Wikipedia states that “An Officiant is someone who officiates (i.e. leads) at a service or ceremony, such as marriage, burial, or namegiving/baptism. Officiants may be ordained by any denomination as members of their clergy, or by secular/Humanist or interfaith/interspiritual religious bodies.”

Although most Officiants differ from other “clergy” titles, such as Chaplain, Reverend, Pastor, in that many Officiants serve the unaffiliated public at large, while other “clergy” are usually employed by an institution such as the military, a hospital or other health care facility, etc. and serve a specific group or congregation. 

An "Officiant" can be a Justices of the Peace, Judge, celebrants, marriage commissioners, ministers, clergy, and other people “legally” empowered by law to perform legally binding private ceremonies.  In my opinion, this is where the light is needed.

It IS possible to go online right this minute, find one of many websites to become “ordained.”  Most all of them require no training, experience, education or any standards.  They just collect their fee and you are free to download your certificate of ordination.  Is that legal?  In many places, not all, yes.  Some states are adapting state laws that require those who are “ordained” however that may be to offer proof that they are involved with on-going ministry work.

There is no regulation in this “industry” for those using online ordination as the gateway to provide services to the public at large.  One could argue that if you receive a “calling” to serve others that is all that is needed.  Others will advocate that you must meet some minimum standards while others insist that you have a degree or seminary education.

Some states are calling into question on line paper mills who “appear” to be a “church” and ordaining people for one time fees.  Most credentials and license’s for mainstream clergy are issued annually to insure that they continue to be members in good standing and are upholding to agreements, doctrines, policies as outline by those issuing those credentials or licenses. 

Generally, for religious use, ordination is the manner by which individuals are consecrated (elevating to the “status” that they are now authorized to perform various rites of passage and ceremonies. They are being elevated to the status of “clergy.”  The process and ceremony is different for each sect, denomination and/or order.  Traditionally it means that the candidate has reached a level of service, competence, education, commitment, and acceptance to the doctrine, standards and pledges to uphold the beliefs of such of that organization. 

That becomes another “dark spot” when those who are being ordained online by “organizations” that do not require anyone to reach a level of service, competence, education, commitment or have a doctrine, standards or beliefs to pledge too.  It could be viewed as that if you have the money, you can be ordained.  Period.

 So where does that leave the public, the consumer, the one potentially hiring an Officiant?  It leaves them in the position that they need to do their research.  They need to understand who they are hiring and what they are getting for the fees they are going to pay.

I know some outstanding more than qualified Officiants who have never had a day of educational training and perform some of the most beautiful ceremonies.  And I am aware of the many stories of those who have encountered those at the opposite end of the spectrum.

Since 2009, this is what I know.  Many people are “running” from main stream churches and places of worship.  Most couples share with me that they believe in a higher power and that they relationship with “the Sacred” is just that, Sacred, personal and private.  They are shying away from those at the helm of a pulpit telling them how, who and when to dislike or support something or someone.  They often view a place of worship as a place of clicks that is often hard to become a part of. 

We know that up to 70% of the population does not attend worship on a regular basis.  Many individuals, couples and families do not have “relationships” with places of worship because there has been a break in the family “tie” with such places of worship.  And many say they “don’t fit” with traditional religious beliefs of many of today’s churches so they consider themselves spiritual or nonreligous.

So where do they turn to when they want to get married, need “pastoral” care, or someone to perform a funeral service?  They are turning to those of us who are meeting their needs by providing care and services that are both nondenominational and nonreligious.  They are turning to those Officiants that are being recognized by a local or regional organizations that are incorporated, registered and offer standards and assurances that the staff they promote are trained, are legally credentialed, licensed and ordained to provide professional care and services.

Chaplain Royal Bush and Chaplain Beth Loofe are Interfaith Chaplains offering nondenominational and nonreligious care and services to all, without exception in Nebraska and Iowa. They conduct Weddings, Premarital Coaching, Couples Coaching,Funerals, End of Life Planning, and Pastoral Care. For more information please email info@inclusivelife.org OR phone 402-575-7006. Omaha Weddings, Omaha Counseling, Omaha Funerals.

Laughter

Laughter has always been a powerful medicine for me.  In high school it got me out of fights and tough spots, bringing humor and making others laugh.  In my coming of age years it helped me through times in life that were difficult and meaningful, sometimes I would laugh so much I was able to absorb the lesson or truth of the moment.  Most of the time laughter, for me, was my own way of helping ME create space to be comfortable when I was least comfortable.

It has been said that nothing shows a person’s character more than what they laugh at.  I examined all that I have laughed at, about, with and for.  It certainly has changed over the many life experiences that I have had.

Perhaps it is looking eye to eye with someone and seeing and knowing their life journey, their pain, without knowing a thing about them.  Knowing that what they have been through has made them stronger and that whatever faces them in this very moment is the difference between a flea and an elephant. 

When we look at others we do place value judgments on them; if they look differently than we do, if they dress differently than we do, if they talk differently than we do, if they smell differently than we do, if they do something differently than we do, if they believe differently than we do, if their family looks differently than ours, if they…  I wonder if they are thinking the same thing about ME!  So, who, then, is the different one?

Most everyone forgets how much value we place on words, who says them, how they are said and when they are said.  Sometimes they cut like a knife, deep, painful, and scaring and times they can be uplifting, healing, cleansing and helpful; in both their absence and presence.  Laughter is not much different.  In its absence it can be dry, scary, painful and dark.  In its proper presence it can be uniting, harmonious, contagious, and reassuring.  AH! There is the word, proper.  How do we, who are you to define what is “proper” when it comes to words or laughter?   It all is relative isn’t it?  To each person, each moment, each experience.  What is proper to one is not to the other or is not clear to the other. 

Living in a culture that being “politically correct” requires an online (up-to-date) playbook make it a bit difficult to know when to use certain words, or to laugh.  Or does it?  Perhaps it really boils down to allowing people to be people.  Not judging them for who they are, where they are, how they are, what they are, and when they are.  Allowing each other the space to live, LAUGH, love and not reading anything more into it than what it is…. A word.  A sound.  A reaction. 

Allowing each other (and giving ourselves) permission to LIVE like we want, LAUGH as often as we can and LOVE ourselves and each other in the process allows each of us to be the change that we seek in this world, one day, one person, one journey, one moment of laughter and one word at a time.

Chaplain Royal Bush and Chaplain Beth Loofe are Interfaith Chaplains offering nondenominational and nonreligious care and services to all, without exception in Nebraska and Iowa. They conduct Weddings, Premarital Coaching, Couples Coaching,Funerals, End of Life Planning, and Pastoral Care. For more information please email info@inclusivelife.org OR phone 402-575-7006. Omaha Weddings, Omaha Counseling, Omaha Funerals.

Be Yourself

John Jakes is the acknowledged contemporary master of the family saga. He is the creator of the legendary eight-volume Kent Family Chronicles.  He is also a man who is a master at weaving fiction and facts into beautiful tapestries.  He gave us “Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”

Today’s American culture sends such mixed messages about being who you.  This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, right?  It okay to be gay as long as you don’t want to get married, adopt children, or lose your job or housing (and until recently, in the name of “freedom” defend this country.)  We offer freedom of religion.  (well, that is if you believe in Christianity.  And only “OUR” version and/or interoperation of the Bible.)  We believe in freedom of political party (as long as you believe what “we” believe, when we believe it) (oh ya, and don’t be poor, down on your luck or need medical attention because your just lazy and want something for free.)

What has happened to our culture in America?   I get that times change, people change, but other countries have time-honored cultures that are often symbolic of who they are as a people.  When did it become ok to speak or act ill towards your elders?  I understand freedom of speech as I understand a parent’s right to wash their child’s mouth out with soap for using dirty words.  When did it become ok to drive down the street blaring lyrics that I want to cover MY ears (let alone the ears of anyone younger than me.)

I know I am dating myself when I say “What happened to the times of the Waltons…”  People took care of themselves, each others and those that need help.  I am not being cynical, because I know that there is A LOT of good going on in this world.  I am just raising my hand and asking where did “OUR” culture go to?  What IS our American culture?

I submit that you SHOULD be yourself.  Be who you are.  Believe what you believe.  And let that shine through your actions, words and life.  And don’t worry about those that “mind”, they only matter if YOU give them that authority/power.

George H.W. Bush called for our country to be “kinder and gentler” in many ways we are.  And in many ways we have room to learn, grow and be just that.  We can be the change that we seek in this world.  One day, one journey, one person, one kind word, one truth at a time…

Chaplain Royal Bush and Chaplain Beth Loofe are Interfaith Chaplains offering nondenominational and nonreligious care and services to all, without exception in Nebraska and Iowa. They conduct Weddings, Premarital Coaching, Couples Coaching, Funerals, End of Life Planning, and Pastoral Care. For more information please email info@inclusivelife.org OR phone 402-575-7006. Omaha Weddings, Omaha Counseling, Omaha Funerals.